Originally posted on May 4, 2020 @ 12:50 am
It turns out the media is responsible for many serial killers going dormant. It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you are dubbed ‘The Abilene Ass Muncher.’
The media tagged nine other poor murderers on this list with rather embarrassing nicknames.
Abilene Ass Muncher
This Kansas killer ate the anuses from each of his victims. Talk about heinous to the anus! Leads dried up. Police urged the media to re-name the killer due to all of the jokes circulating about the Ass Muncher. The media was not much help after re-tagging the killer ‘The Butthole Bandit’ and no new leads ever developed.
Formerly known as ‘The Anal Spiker.’ This killer left eight male victims in remote wooded areas. Massive spikes pierced their rectums, anchoring them to trees. The killer wrote countless letters to the local newspaper, pleading to change his name. He insisted that he wasn’t gay, as first speculated by the media. He signed all of his letters with one name: Mike. And, yes, the media did grant his wish, but made his name even dumber.
The Boogeyman of Boogertown
Here’s an ironic one for you. Moonshiners warned that the bogeyman lurked in the forest in order to deter visitors from entering their domain. That gave Boogertown, NC its namesake. Then some smart-ass in the 1980s hacked up a dozen coeds in the same forest. He accomplished his feat in bringing validity to the town name. Likewise he was marked with what many consider to be the most ridiculous serial killer nickname in the history of the United States.
Butcher of Beavertown
This killer was about as violent as any in the history of serial killers. His only fault was that all of his killings took place in Beavertown, PA, thus the ridiculous nickname. Probably everyone outside Beavertown thought the news articles detailing his horrible crimes were simply sexual clickbait. Certainly others mistook the nickname to be an overzealous fur trader and shrugged off the events.
The Cannibal of Funk
This killer consumed human flesh. Dahmer claimed less victims. Yet this unknown cannibal became stigmatized by the press after killing most of his or her victims in or around the village of Funk, Nebraska. As a result of the events, Weird Al parodied a song, ripping off the band Rage Against The Machine, which made the killer even more of a joke.
Dr. Stabbin’ Yo Face
Six young African-American males died in Compton by the hands of a mysterious stranger. Local gangbangers identified the culprit as a tall, white male dressed in scrubs. This man carried a medical bag with him. Six surgical knives protruded from each victims’ face (one in both eyes, 4 across the mouth). Local homies coined the killer’s street name ‘Dr. Stabbin’ Yo Face.’ This extinguished what little chance of public panic in Compton. As a result of the media coverage, rumors surfaced that this was actually The Happy Face Killers’ new signature, but these reports were later debunked.
Five separate brutal killings in five months combined with the fact that all the murders took place in an Ohio township called Knockemstiff, and you get this killer’s nickname. Due to this unfortunate turn of events, the killer more than likely grew very depressed and knocked himself stiff.
The Malibu Milf Murderer
Californians panicked after six hot moms were found dead in their Malibu homes dressed in only scant lingerie. As a result, the media dubbed the killer ‘The Malibu Milf Murderer,’ as housewives from the area became jealously enraged that they weren’t targeted and began leaving their windows open and doors unlocked. These desperate cougars hoped to make the papers as the next Milf murdered. The killer never struck again, thanks in part to the unbelievable media uprising and much to the disappointment of housewives throughout the area (as well as the rest of the nation).
The Necrophiliac of Noogieville
This monster’s strange knack for having sex with the corpses of his victims (all children) was only half the story. Then police discovered that each tiny scalp had most of the hair rubbed off and each had knuckle indentations down to their skulls. Ever hear the joke about death by noogie? Well, it more than likely originated from these crimes.
The Seattle Sascrotch
The only confirmed woman from the serial killers on this list who was mortified by the media. Six men died around the Seattle bar scene after being slipped a roofie/paralytic cocktail. Finally a would-be victim escaped and told police that he pretended to die as the killer sat naked on his face. In the police report, the young man stated, “this psycho-bitch had the most unkempt, massive bush I’ve ever seen!”
Furthermore the man coughed up a mouthful of pubic hair at the crime scene. The DNA never matched any records. Coincidentally, this also started the trend of popular pubic hair styles such as The Brazilian and The Thin Strip.
Also, honorable mentions goes out to these serial killers who not only received idiotic names from the media, but couldn’t even make my top-10 list: The Walmart Walloper, Fort Worth Farter, Phantom of the Oprah, The Piggly Wiggly Executioner, The Spokane Spooner, Tallahassee Testicle Tickler, Montreal Midget Mangler, and The Quebec Queefer.
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Patrick Kill is a happy nihilist who specializes in writing the most absurd, iconoclastic humorous dark fiction around. At 6’1’’, he is the tallest midget on earth. He is a competitive eater…of children. He prefers footie pajamas with someone else’s feet in them. He fishes for dead bodies in drainage ditches during the day and traps for yeti at night. He is the most ridiculous man in the world. His favorite saying is: “I don’t always eat humans, but when I do, it’s dos Mexicanos. Stay evil, my friends.”