Originally posted on April 27, 2020 @ 12:05 am
Obesity is now a global epidemic in Western Civilization. So much so, that being fat is the new norm, overweight can be classified as sometimes “on the skinny side” and most men have no real concept of how fat they really are. Here is a handy list of signs to watch for that will help the average male determine if they’re too fat.
- When you look down in the shower and see all gut and no tip.
- One day you cross your arms over your chest and realize your penis will easily slide into your own cleavage and thereafter fantasize often about titty-fucking yourself.
- You lay on your stomach and constantly throw your back out while sleeping.
- While holding a bowl of Jello, you jump up and down and notice the Jello isn’t really jiggling all that much.
- Two strange things happened the night before they issued the Amber Alert for your child…you woke up sleepwalking, and then skipped breakfast the next morning.
- You are illegally growing ‘shrooms beneath your waistline.
- You no longer have to shave between your chins.
- One night you accidentally rolled off the bed, down the hall, through the kitchen, across the living room and busted through the front door, continued down the driveway, only coming to rest after toppling a light post.
- Your beloved teacup Yorkie gives up on further attempts to sit on your lap and instead curls up between the rolls on your side.
- Your child is spared from being scarred for life after thinking they were simply witnessing a sumo wrestling match in progress after walking into your bedroom while you were attempting to have sex with your wife.
Patrick Kill is a happy nihilist who specializes in writing the most absurd, iconoclastic humorous dark fiction around. At 6’1’’, he is the tallest midget on earth. He is a competitive eater…of children. He prefers footie pajamas with someone else’s feet in them. He fishes for dead bodies in drainage ditches during the day and traps for yeti at night. He is the most ridiculous man in the world. His favorite saying is: “I don’t always eat humans, but when I do, it’s dos Mexicanos. Stay evil, my friends.”