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On This Day in History…
January 1-31
By Patrick Kill Posted in On This Day In History on September 24, 2020
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  • On This Day in History…

Originally posted on May 18, 2020 @ 12:10 am

Happy end of January, everyone! I’m posting a little behind-the-scenes look at my writing. I started a project many years ago where I’d take important events in history and make up stories to go along with the event.

It’s basically just a writing exercise I do to stay creative. So each day I’d look up an important event that occurred and pervert the hell out of it by writing a short-short story or passage.

Some of the entries are actually worth a good laugh, some may come across as head-scratchers and others just flat-out trunk-story bombs. I’ve just completed an entry for each day in January, so see what you think by clicking on each day/event…

JANUARY 1, 1853–1st practical fire engine (horse-drawn) in US enters service

The childrens’ screams were growing louder as smoke rolled from the cabin. The mother’s sooty face became partially cleared by her tears.

“Don’t worry, ma’am,” the first responder said, patting the woman on the back, “here comes our finest engine!”

One lone fireman dismounted a horse named Mister Misty, led the stallion to the cabin and yelled, “Step back, ma’am!”

He flashed a carrot next to the horse. “Now, Mister Misty!”

A solid stream of urine arced, covering the base of the cabin’s exterior. Less than a minute later, the stream closed to a slight dribble as the flames rose higher.

The childrens’ screams grew even louder. The roof began to collapse to an eerie silence. The smell of burning flesh wafted across the prairie.

“You forgot to fill the trough this morning, didn’t you, Earl?” the first responder questioned.

Earl the firefighter looked away. “Uh, maybe.”

JANUARY 2, 1839–1st photo of the Moon (French photographer Louis Daguerre)

Louis wouldn’t give up. Years earlier he attempted to photograph it, but only managed to bend over and hold still barely 5 hours before he passed out. Now with new camera exposure times in the minutes, he would finally capture it in all of its glory.

But he didn’t stop there.

Later on that very day, the very first dick-pic was delivered to Daguerre’s girlfriend via courier.

JANUARY 3, 1496 — Leonardo da Vinci unsuccessfully tests a flying machine

“Pedal harder, Martin!” Leonardo yelled as the giant wings began to flap in the wind. Martin erratically began pulling on levers, pulleys and hand cranks.

The contraption went airborne more than a quarter of a mile down the dirt runway, then soared into the sky.

“Whooo-hoooo!” Martin yelled, “We did it!”

Da Vinci’s smile quickly faded as a metallic saucer appeared in the sky overhead, hovering over Martin and the machine. An orange ray shot from the saucer. The wings caught fire and Martin screamed like a little girl as the machine took a nosedive, then crash landed in the neighboring village.

JANUARY 4, 1887 — Thomas Stevens is 1st man to bicycle around the world (San Francisco to San Francisco)

April 1884

“Bon voyage, everyone!” Stevens yelled.

“What a showoff!” a bystander commented as Thomas Stevens popped a wheelie then plummeted into the Pacific Ocean.

Foaming bubbles settled to the sight of Stevens’s overhauls and oversized flannel shirt which looked to be expanding or inflating in the salt water. Handlebars rose from the depths, then more bubbles as Stevens pedaled violently, bunnyhopping over waves, eventually disappearing into the horizon.

More than two and a half years later…

“Hello, everyone!” Stevens yelled, waving to the crowd.

“What a showoff!” a bystander commented as Thomas Stevens, approaching from the east, finally stopped abruptly by doing an endo. His rusted bike frame crumbled beneath him.

JANUARY 5, 1930 — Bonnie Parker meets Clyde Barrow for the first time at Clarence Clay’s house

“Hey, there,” Clyde said, as he approached Bonnie. “I’d let you rob my sperm bank!”

“Oh really?” Bonnie smiled.

“Actually, can you do me a favor?” Clyde asked.

“Depends,” Bonnie replied, shrugging.

“Cops got a warrant out for my penis,” Clyde explained. “Mind if I hide it inside you for a while?”

“Why don’t we go for a little drive first,” Bonnie suggested.

JANUARY 6, 1681–1st recorded boxing match (Duke of Albemarle’s butler vs his butcher)

The entire ordeal started due to an argument over tough meat. The butcher claimed it was overcooked, the butler said it was the cut of meat. There was only one way to settle it. Duke Albemarle set up the event: Butcher vs. Butler, 12 rounds of bare-knuckled brutality to determine who became the real dead meat.

When the butcher’s body showed up days later in the outskirts of the village, everyone knew for certain: the butler did it.

JANUARY 7, 1945 — Lord Haw-Haw (William Joyce) reports total German victory in the Ardennes

“This report can’t be true!” the American diplomat stated.

“I’m afraid so!” the British messenger replied. “It came directly from Lord Haw-Haw.”

The American laughed, slapping the Brit’s shoulder.“That’s a good one!”

JANUARY 8, 1835 — US national debt is $0 for the first and only time in history

At the sound of the bell, the debt calculator was unveiled at $0.00. A quick flash and the dial began to turn, settling briefly on $6,000.

“What the hell just happened?” a concerned citizen inquired.

An economist answered, “Nothing to be worried about. It’s just updating the total we borrowed to pay for that calculator we just purchased from China.”

JANUARY 9, 1991 — Baseball officially bans Pete Rose from being elected to Hall of Fame for betting on baseball

This decision also cost Mr. Rose $6k as he dropped two bets he had placed with a bookie the night before: 1) that he’d never bet on anything even remotely baseball-related and 2) they’d never ban him from baseball.

JANUARY 10, 1776 — “Common Sense” Pamphlet by Thomas Paine published

Famous quotes from this historic publication include:

  • “Never pee on an electric fence.”
  • “More cushion equals less pushin’.”
  • “Liquor before beer, never fear; beer before liquor, never sicker.”
  • “If this tent is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.”
  • “No means no.”
  • “A fart is a sure sign of shit.”
  • “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
  • “If it smells funny, don’t spend your money.”
  • “Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”
  • “You can’t regurgitate what you don’t swallow.”
JANUARY 11, 2018 — US President Donald Trump causes worldwide controversy when it is reported he called African countries “shitholes” during immigration meeting

The democrats responded quickly by vehemently disagreeing with the language used in Trump’s statements. A representative of the party released the following statement:

“We’d like to apologize to those countries in Africa offended by the President’s remarks. We do not agree with the language present in his statements. We say ‘poopholes’ when referring to any impoverished third world country. God Bless!”

JANUARY 12, 1807 — Gunpowder-ship explodes in Leiden, Netherlands, 150 die

“Hey, captain, why is our vessel melting?” one of the crew inquired, staring into the ocean where a murky castoff from the boat turned the water black.

“Because it’s made of gunpowder, not wood!” the captain answered. “Where’d Finn go?”

“Uh, actually I sent him to the deck for a smoke break.”

The captain’s face twisted, eyes widened, “You did w — ”

From the dark water came a flickering, a sudden crackle and then one giant pop.

JANUARY 13, 1979 — YMCA files libel suit against Village People’s YMCA song

Also, on this same day, The Village People went back into the recording studio to record the B-side to their popular hit which they called YMCA-FU, although the dance was much more complex and never really took off.

The lawsuit was dropped after construction workers, bikers, cowboys, GIs, cops and a few reputable Indian chiefs all came together to threaten to boycott the largest not-for-profit community service organization in America.

JANUARY 14, 1967 — New York Times reports Army is conducting secret germ warfare experiments

This story was ultimately moved back a few days and demoted from a feature article to a back page mention after the writer suffered a collapsed lung, two editors began bleeding from the eyeballs and the printing press operator called in sick with the shits.

JANUARY 15, 1797–1st top hat worn by John Etherington of London

“That bloke seems quite chuffed wearing that giant hat!” one woman said to another, watching the man cut through the crowded marketplace. “Do you think he may be overcompensating for something?”

“It’s definitely not his teeth,” the other woman commented. “They are such a beautiful shade of yellow and so perfectly set at a proper forty-five degree angle! It must be something else he’s lacking.”

JANUARY 16, 1985 — “Playboy” announces end of stapling centerfolds

“So what prompted the change?” a member of the media asked.

The Playboy spokesman cleared his throat, then said, “Last year’s Miss September got a nasty infection and other past centerfolds complained of scarring once their staples were removed.”

There was a sudden buzz in the room full of reporters. A look of confusion washed over a myriad of faces in the press room.

JANUARY 17, 1942 — Muhammad Ali [Cassius Clay], American boxer (world heavyweight champion 1964–7 74–8), born in Louisville, Kentucky

“Nurse, what seems to be the problem here?” the doctor asked, staring down at the newborn.

“We can’t seem to get this one to feed,” the nurse replied.

The mother held the baby boy up to her bosom and a flurry of arm movements proceeded. There was a quick right jab to the right breast, followed by a left jab to the left breast. A right cross connected to the left boob followed by a massive left uppercut to the left tit.

The doctor crowded closer behind the newborn, massaged its neck, grabbed one of the breasts and squirted some milk into the infant’s mouth. The baby swallowed some, then spit the rest into a nearby container, then began a flurry of jabs into the mother’s ribcage.

JANUARY 18, 1998 — “Ragtime” opens at Ford Theater New York City, NY

George knew he had come to the wrong place when he entered the theater. Before him, the seats were filled with women. Angry chatter surrounded him. “Oh, these cramps!” “Men are worthless…” “…I’m retaining water” “I’m so damn horny and there’s nothing I can do about it!” “My worthless husband won’t touch me this time of the month!” “If only we could all find a man that would!”

Slowly, each bloated face turned towards George. A fishy smell clung to the air itself, now suddenly growing more noxious.

By the time he thought to run, his balls were already locked into a vice-grip by a massive redhead at the door.

“Hi there, sugar,” she said, “How would you like a pair of red wings?”

JANUARY 19, 1915 — Neon Tube sign patented by George Claude

Entry extracted from George Claude’s personal journal:

I have finally developed what has taken me over two decades to design. Something like no other. Something that will express my feelings in colored neon, so that all the world can see. It will soon affect millions of people. They will see the ultimate sign. — G.C., 1/19/15

Outside George Claude’s residence, Jan. 19, 1915:

“Hey, what’s that strange sign over at George’s place?” a man yelled from down the street.

Another man who was out shoveling snow suddenly stopped, distracted first by the noise, then by the strange glow over at his neighbor’s house.

He walked across the street to George Claude’s yard and stared up at the lighted letters.

On the sign, two words glowed like firelight into the frigid night.

EAT ME, it read.

“What do you suppose that means?” the man from down the street asked.

“Beats me!”

JANUARY 20, 1949 — J Edgar Hoover gives Shirley Temple a tear gas fountain pen

They met in a dark alleyway. Dim street lights cut through the empty fissure between two dilapidated buildings. Both were dressed in dark trench coats. Shirley, standing almost four feet tall, lit a cigarette. Hoover already puffed wildly on a Cuban cigar. They stared at each other, both taking quick glances down the alleyway — these paranoid glances lasted but a millisecond, then their eyes returned to each others, questioning, wanting, fearing…

“Did you bring the goods?” Shirley asked, breaking the cold silence.

“Yes, I did,” Hoover replied, “But why would a little girl like you need such a thing?”

“It’s simple” Shirley stated, running her fingers through her golden curls, “All the directors want me to cry and I feel nothing! They call me a spoiled brat, they call me washed-up — ”

“So you need the pen for your career?”

“Without my career, I have no money. Without money…no drugs. Without drugs, I have no happiness. What’s a girl to do?”

“I see your point,” Hoover said, kneeling down with the briefcase. He flipped the latches and opened it to the sight of the pen. “Try it out if you like, it’s the real thing.”

Shirley knelt, picked up the pen and examined it.

“Push the clip.”

Shirley gently pressed the clip and a faint mist shot out.

She instantly began to cry. “Oh, yes, for this I will win many roles!”

“So you got my goods?”

Shirley placed her own briefcase next to his, flipped the latches.

Hoover’s face brightened, a sly smile crawled across his lips.

In the suitcase was a pair of pink panties. Just his size.

JANUARY 21,1994 — Lorena Bobbitt found temporarily insane for chopping off spouse’s penis

Document of court trial of key turning point in jury’s decision:

Lawyer: After cutting off your husband’s penis, what did you do with it?

Lorena: I held the severed end to my ear and talked through the head. I knew if the aliens heard me, they’d return.

Lawyer: Did you hear anything?

Lorena: Just the ocean.

Lawyer: Then what?

Lorena: I tried to blow through it, like a conch shell. I thought it would emit a high frequency signal to contact the aliens.

Lawyer: Did it work?

Lorena: No, not really, it just made a farting sound.

Lawyer: Then what did you do?

Lorena: Well, I always wanted to be a unicorn, so I glued it to my forehead and galloped around the block, naked.

Lawyer: Was this the time you decided to discard it?

Lorena: No, I tried to feed it to the dog. The dog just ran off, whimpering. Then the penis just kept staring at me, really weird-like, with its one eye. Wherever I would go, it would always seem to be looking at me. I said, “Leave me alone, go away!” But it just sat there, in the dog’s food bowl, looking at me. Then the hole was gasping. Like a fish mouth breathing out of water. And it spoke to me. It said “Lick me, suck me, put me in your ass.” Its voice sounded demonic, like the voice of Satan. That’s when I trapped it in a jar and took a little drive.

JANUARY 22, 1964 — World’s largest cheese (15,723 kg) manufactured, Wisconsin

The crowd cheered as the record had been set. Out in the field, the giant chunk of cheese gleamed in the afternoon sun. Spectators took a moment of silence to marvel at the immense sight.

Suddenly, at the edge of the woods, trees snapped. A high screeching wail shattered eardrums. Then out hopped a mouse the size of a house.

Most of the crowd fled, taking cover in the surrounding buildings. Some of the others stayed behind to guard the cheese. The mouse quickly advanced.

Reaching the cheese, it lashed out at the men and women, taking several into its giant maw and chewing them to death.

Pitchforks and guns were used to deter the mutant creature, but to no avail.

As the survivors retreated to join the others, the mouse sniffed the cheese, blinked its eyes stupidly and turned around. It lifted its massive tail and deposited a boulder-sized piece of excrement atop the chunk of cheese, then headed back towards the woods where it had originated, only stopping to gather a few more nuts on its way.

“Now if that ain’t the damnedest thing,” one man commented.

JANUARY 23, 1972 — Bootlegger sells wood alcohol to wedding party, 100 die, New Delhi

“I’d just like to make a toast to the happy couple…may your lives be filled with happiness and longevity. May you have a wonderful family, but first may you enjoy each other.”

The bride and groom smiled, both holding up their cups in the toast.

“And don’t forget to drink and be merry,” the bootlegger said at the back of the room, stumbling over a chair.

Everyone drank.

Within seconds, the bride threw up on the groom. She heaved again and red froth shot into the cake. The groom held her hair back as she vomited. Then he collapsed, shit himself and started shaking violently.

Suddenly, others were writhing on the reception floor.

The bride fell face-first into the cake.

Slowly the bootlegger made his way to the front, stepping over dead and dying bodies. He rubbed at the stubble on his chin. His pants were filthy, his shirt torn, contrasting with the suits, tuxedos and dresses everyone else had worn.

He swiped the cake with his index finger, stuffed the frosting in his mouth. He looked down at the bride. “Till death do you part.” He chuckled, lifted up her wedding dress from behind.

“Now it’s time for you to part.”

He pulled down his pants and grimy underwear, poked around beneath her dress. “Oooh, she done saved herself.”

The groom coughed up blood, watching the honeymoon begin without him.

JANUARY 24, 1902 — Denmark sells Virgin Islands to USA

“As long as your country promises to respect the land. Do not drill the earth or ruin the nature of this island.”

“Oh yes, we promise.”

3 Weeks later. . .

The U.S. christens the island by turning it into a resort for wealthy Americans. The land is uprooted for foundations for hotspots, hotels and other beachside resorts.

1 Year later…

The U.S. pulls out after depleting all the island’s resources.

The island is cast aside, left alone, impregnated with U.S. descendants who live off the land. Denmark denounces the U.S. actions and will not buy back the island when offered, calling it the “Whore Islands.”

JANUARY 25, 1974 — Ray Kroc, CEO of McDonald’s, buys San Diego Padres baseball team for $12 million

The deal closed with Kroc signing a written guarantee that the name of the team could never be changed to the San Diego McPadres or feature a Chicken McNugget as their official logo. Also Grimace and the Hamburglar were never allowed to be mascots.

Once Kroc bought the team, the roster was quickly converted to one of the fastest in the game. Opposing managers would often comment that, much like the owner’s franchise restaurant menu, the team was likely to “run right through you.”

Tickets sales during the first year of Kroc’s ownership were at an all-time high thanks to tickets getting printed on the boxes of each Happy Meal sold. The Padres stadium was often still empty throughout the season as most fans preferred to utilize the ballpark’s drive-thru than sit in the stands.

Kroc later convinced marketing to institute ‘The Infield Fry Rule.’ Each time there was a popup in the infield with the bases loaded, a small McDonald’s fry was handed out to everyone in attendance.

Within a year, the weight of the average Padres fan eclipsed the NFL’s Chicago Bears, the only West Coast team in any professional league to achieve such a feat.

JANUARY 26, 1962 — Bishop Burke of Buffalo Catholic dioceses declares Chubby Checker’s “The Twist” to be impure and bans it from all Catholic schools

It was revealed decades later that the real reason behind the ban was to keep altar boys from twisting whenever they were in the company of priests.

Also, the popular Catholic saying was born: “Be still, my child, so that you no longer whippeth my cheek!”

JANUARY 27, 1710 — Tsar Peter the Great sets first Russian state budget

Budget Included approved requests for:

  1. Stretchable trousers
  2. Wider doorways
  3. Lube
  4. Miniature ushanka fur caps with “ear” drapes
  5. Domed ceilings
  6. Surgical coverage for Tsar’s concubines
  7. Unbreakable vodka containers
  8. Private jousting room
  9. Hypoallergenic urinal cakes
  10. Armored Sheaths
JANUARY 28, 2013 — Iran’s Pishgam rocket successfully completes a return trip of sending a monkey into space

Less than two weeks after the return, a US satellite was mysteriously put out of commission after being hit by a debris field of banana peels and monkey shit. Iran claimed that the primate in command, Capt. Bonkers, had nothing to do with the incident and that “the debris mostly likely came directly from the Planet of the Apes.”

The US then countered with nuking an Iranian bunker which housed Capt. Bonkers. In an ironic turn of events, Bonkers survived the initial strike, grew to King-Kong-sized proportions and wreaked havoc on a top-secret Iranian government facility. The giant primate was eventually killed by Godzilla who somehow detected the threat and tracked the creature from Japan to the outskirts of Tehran where it touched the monkey with its Atomic Ray.

JANUARY 29, 1929 — Seeing Eye Guide Dog Organization forms

“It’s a shitty job, but some dogs have to do it,” the Cocker Spaniel said to the group. “The problem with these guys is that they can’t feed you, let alone themselves, and you always have to lead them around everywhere. They don’t care if you’re sleeping or digging up bones, you have to be there when they call.”

“Sound like a real pain,” a Doberman commented.

“Yeah, but there are perks,” the Cocker Spaniel said.

“Like what?” a St. Bernard questioned.

“You can shit in a corner and they won’t be able to find it. It will drive them nuts. I did this to my last master…it’s hilarious! You also don’t need a fire hydrant–you can just piss on their legs, they’ll never know a damn thing!”

JANUARY 30, 1997 — Minuteman III launches

“NO, really, it’s okay,” Bridgette said as Ray climbed on top of her for the third time. He knew Bridgette was disappointed, after he prematurely ejaculated the previous two attempts.

“This time I’m ready,” he said with confidence. He flattened the magazine cover out on the headboard and slowly entered his girlfriend once again.

By the third stroke, he knew it had worked.

“Oh, God, Ray, yes,” Bridgette yelled, “Keep it going, honey.”

Ray thrusted faster, without even a hint of pleasure.

Because, on the headboard, staring straight back at him, was the cover of his wife’s O Magazine. On the cover, Oprah Winfrey smiled into the shadows and Ray shuddered at the thought.

Below him, his girlfriend orgasmed for the very first time.

And he wasn’t done. As long as he looked into that hideous face on the headboard, he knew he could be the world’s greatest lover.

And who said Oprah’s magazine never helped anyone? he thought as he continued pounding away atop his wife.

JANUARY 31, 1970 — Grateful Dead members busted on LSD charges

“Dude, this is one freaky hallucination,” the lead singer stated, looking behind him.

“What do you see, man?” the drummer inquired.

“Dude, there’s this tattooed penis going in and out of my ass, man.”

“That is too fucking weird, man,” the guitarist said, “I see a penis going into my ass, too!”

“Mass hallucination,” the lead singer suggested, then looked at the drummer. “What about you…what do you see?”

The drummer turned white, blinked his eyes and shook his head. “Creepy, man. I see my penis going into your ass!”

Each member of the group fell silent, confused.

Then the drummer began beating on the bars. The other band members perked their ears to the beat and began to sing:

“Fuckin’ got my boxers tucked in.
Keep fuckin’, in the doo-dah, man
Together, more or less in line, just keep fuckin’ on…”

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