Originally posted on May 18, 2020 @ 12:05 am
Re: Global Warming
Dear Al Gore,
I’ve been following your plight to bring attention to global warming. I’ve even seen your films, An Inconvenient Truth 1 & 2. Bravo, Mr. Gore!
So let’s cut to the chase. I’m sure you have no real knowledge of what global warming is. It just happens to be one of the few convenient stances a politician can take without risking the isolation of possible voters. I mean, it’s not like you can go into a debate being a pro-abortionist and win everyone’s heart. On the other hand, ask any democrat and they will tell you they’re pro-earth. Ask any republican and they will say they’re pro-earth. So you have picked a real winning campaign. Or so you thought.
Now I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Patrick Kill and I’m a global warmer. Yes, I’m pro-global warming. And before the end of this year, I will have millions of like-minded supporters! You might think that is preposterous, but let’s look at some facts:
It’s cold as fuck here in Indiana during the winter. But since global warming, the winters have become milder. In fact, Michigan and Wisconsin and other Midwestern states have all become a little more milder this winter thanks to global warming. Ask anyone in my home state of Indiana and they’ll tell you how miserable it’s been in the past before the earth started to warm.
During a typical Indiana winter, if your car slides off the road and gets stuck, you have a 50/50 chance of surviving the cold. You walk around the streets of Indiana and 1 out of every 3 people are missing fingers, toes, arms, or even a penis or nipple. Frostbite claims the lives of thousands of elderly and infants each year. Just ask fellow politician Dan Quayle who is from Indiana. He, too, is a victim of frostbite. His just happened to be where no one could see it: on his brain. Like Dan Quayle, we were born and raised here; we have roots and must suffer through these miserable winters, hoping to survive until the spring thaw just to exist another year.
But you don’t care, do you? No, you want the earth to cool once again and freeze the Midwest. Then you can go south and enjoy the weather.
Your “selfless” quest to eradicate global warming is really selfish.
Do you really think you can convince people in such states as Indiana? Come on, Mr. Gore, you must be insane!
So in lieu of allowing you to spread misinformation uncontested, I have decided to form the UGWA (United Global Warmer’s Alliance). We will become a million strong before year’s end and consist of mostly people in states where the winters are hellishly cold. Our group will not only become a unified organization, we will also practice global warming every day. We will drive gas-guzzling SUVs and buy stocks in large environment-unfriendly corporations, including foundries and other polluting industries.
Global warming will become a way of life, a passion, as we will all finally gain control of the weather as we gradually increase winter temperatures to a comfortable 50–60 degrees in important Midwestern cities such as Chicago and Detroit. We will hold weekly meetings outside and burn plastics and toxic trash (including bootleg copies of An Inconvenient Truth) in giant block-long bonfires. And we will even consume large amounts of Taco Bell each and every day, so that our very flatulence will be abundant, releasing large doses of methane and carbon dioxide gases into the atmosphere to eat away at the earth’s ozone.
We’ve all heard of the risks: glacier’s melting, hurricanes, blah-blah-blah, but does it really outweigh the importance of warm winters in such states as Indiana? That might be hard to convince potential swing states like Ohio or Illinois, considering that, like us hoosiers, they have yet to even see a hurricane. As for glaciers melting, who the hell really cares? If a glacier melts and floods Canada…worst case scenario: dead Canadiens. No big deal. Of course, eventually we’ll have to deal with the swell of the Great Lakes, but that’s manageable compared to inhabiting a frozen tundra for 5 months out of the year. And it’s a known fact that water is a valued resource, so we should welcome more of it.
So with this letter, I’ve issued my first warning that you will be our prime target if you decide to release any more documentaries. Our membership will be in the millions, but our reach will be global. And we will crush you.
Never underestimate what the lack of warmth and sunlight for five straight months can do to a typical midwesterner.
Sorry to inconvenience you with the truth, Mr. Gore.
P.S. Tell Tipper I said hello.
Check out other stories by Patrick Kill on this site HERE.
Visit the author’s page at Medium.
Follow the weirdo over at Twitter.
Patrick Kill is a happy nihilist who specializes in writing the most absurd, iconoclastic humorous dark fiction around. At 6’1’’, he is the tallest midget on earth. He is a competitive eater…of children. He prefers footie pajamas with someone else’s feet in them. He fishes for dead bodies in drainage ditches during the day and traps for yeti at night. He is the most ridiculous man in the world. His favorite saying is: “I don’t always eat humans, but when I do, it’s dos Mexicanos. Stay evil, my friends.”