Originally posted on April 27, 2020 @ 12:30 am
Most people don’t know this, but I ghostwrite for dating sites. I take on paying clients to write their online profile bios. With so many people using these services, this is a very lucrative market. I write your bio, enhance your profile…I get paid, you get laid. Check out some of my work below…
Sample #1 — Gene for Tinder.com
- Client: Gene
- Age: 39
- Website: Tinder
- Objective: Really just wants to have sex with random strangers, preferably women who love to give oral.
- Requests: Client stated he is formerly a monogamous sex-addict now on a bender after his wife’s passing which has starved him of sex. He has no real good qualities to showcase, lives for sex, but I found out that he is an outdoorsmen, drawn to watching birds in his spare time when not fornicating. He also owns many different breeds of birds, makes his own custom cages and feeders. Client wants to attract slutty women (preferably “tan ones”) without stating this outright in his bio, as his profile was flagged in the past week for soliciting sex with crude, straightforward requests. He needs a more discreet way of connecting with loose women.
- Work: Had a 20 minute phone interview with client to get to know him better (but had to end conversation early when the heavy breathing began) and wrote bio (see below)…
- Payment: $155 in BitCoin, plus a rare albino Cockatiel
Hello, my name is Gene, a recent widower, and I love the great outdoors. I live for hiking, camping and bird-watching. My favorite birds are the Bushtit, Hoary Puffleg, Imperial Shag, Southern Screamer and the Masked Booby. Still searching to find that elusive Tan-Breasted White Swallow out in the wild. Maybe you can be the one to help me find it?
Even if we’re not ultimately compatible, our time courting may not be lost as I’ll consider taking on several matches and pay top dollar for every white swallow they capture for my personal video archives.
I am the proud owner of a rather large Snowcock who misses the constant attention of my dearly departed wife who heard the call of the Whip-poor-will far too soon after being pecked to death by my prized Dickcissel.
Gene received more than 3,000 hits on his new Tinder profile the first week his new bio was posted which yielded 4 solid matches. He had three dates, but then was arrested after police raided his country home and found human-sized bird cages in his basement, each occupied by a naked woman. Sadly, he forgot to feed and water them. Authorities expect foul play occurred as there were signs of sexual assault after discovering that the white spots on the newspapers in each cage were actually semen droppings.
Sample #2 — Toby for Farmer’s Only.com
- Client: Toby
- Age: 28
- Website: FarmersOnly.com
- Objective: Wants to settle down with nice, country-girl and buy some acres to live off the land.
- Requests: Client wants a nice, clean wholesome gal from the country (with farming experience). Wants his bio to connect with attracting someone who loves country music / country life. In fact, he wants his bio to stand apart from others and sound like a country music song focused on retribution through finding love on a farm.
- Work: Met the client during his break at work as a farmhand and sat down for a lengthy interview. Penned bio (see below)…
- Payment: 4 hens, 1 rooster and a jar of moonshine (never delivered)
Hello, girl! I’m just a lonely country-boy, working the land, day in and day out. Don’t know what’s down that long, dark lane for me, but I know the route. I want to experience a real nice cowgirl (or reverse) who knows how to ride a steed. Who’ll watch me cover every inch of her moist land, spitting seed. She’ll know I’m true, the first time I bail her hay. And won’t ever question the time I spend with other ranch-hands who may be gay. ’Cause me and my dog get lonely when surrounded by steer. Finding someone to love will give my life meaning…prove to my mom I’m not queer. As I walk through rows of endless corn, I may one day be coming home to you instead of just animal porn.
I had high hopes for this one, but after I posted this on his profile, client never responded to my e-mail. When I followed up by phone, his uncle answered and informed me that Toby was castrated after being gored by one of his prized bulls. After a week of deep depression, they found him in the fields apparently run over by the corn harvester he was operating. It was ruled a suicide after a weird rhyming note and empty bottle of moonshine was found on the seat of the harvester after it plowed into a neighboring farmhouse. Authorities added that not only did the note lead them to conclude suicide, but also that fact that farmers don’t usually harvest their crops in June.
Sample #3 — Lester for TrailerCourting.com
- Client: Lester
- Age: 54
- Website: Trailer Courting Online
- Objective: Settle down for profit / Wants “trailer-queen pussy,” not “trailer-trash snatch.”
- Requests: Client wants totally honest bio written so someone will accept him for who he truly is. Wants to focus on / boast about his achievements and career.
- Work: Performed 30 minute phone interview and wrote bio (see below)
- Payment: $65 (Check bounced, but later received meth as reimbursement, as well as several items from his eBay shop)
Hi, I’m Lester, a bachelor looking to meet that someone special. I’ve recently traded in my classic rape van for an economical hybrid mini-rape-van. I’m in the market for a breeder who doesn’t mind working 40+ hours a week and taking care of kids until they’re sold. I’m an entrepreneur and active eBayer better known as “Moistman69” with a purple star rating who sells homemade lubricant, classic Hustler magazines, hand-stitched taxidermy (my specialty is jackalopes), and porn memorabilia (including vintage autographed Ron Jeremy condoms, a vibrator from the set of One Flew Over the Cuckold’s Nest, and over 30 certified petri dishes with vaginal cultures from verified porn stars, sold as plant art). I’ve directed three independent movies (one erotic thriller, one straight porno and my latest work, a real-time snuff film shot in 4k HD). I am also the inventor of the Hymen-Hammer™ (a remote-controlled animatronic custom-made rubber mallet/vaginal stimulator hooked to the buckle of a leather belt — this unit is now available in both cordless and electric versions (I’ll hook you up!). My double-wide has a foundation!!! Come find me!
Within two weeks of posting the bio, Lester found his queen on trailercourting.com and got married in Vegas. Unfortunately, three weeks later he was blown up in his meth lab and his wife was subsequently burned alive. His entire stock of Hymen-Hammers™ were also lost in the fire and are now off the market. Tragically, along with Steve Jobs, this marks the recent passing of yet another great inventor.
If anyone needs to bolster their love connections, I can be found under the handle “The Tinder.com ’Tang-Banger” and am now offering my services on Fivver. My screen name there is “The ChristianMingle Dingle Dangler.” Mention this article on Medium and I’ll give you half off any of my featured services, including The Wingman Upgrade, in which I pen follow up love letters and hand-deliver them on your behalf to your latest match or connection.
Patrick Kill is a happy nihilist who specializes in writing the most absurd, iconoclastic humorous dark fiction around. At 6’1’’, he is the tallest midget on earth. He is a competitive eater…of children. He prefers footie pajamas with someone else’s feet in them. He fishes for dead bodies in drainage ditches during the day and traps for yeti at night. He is the most ridiculous man in the world. His favorite saying is: “I don’t always eat humans, but when I do, it’s dos Mexicanos. Stay evil, my friends.”