For centuries people have been complaining that I never talk to them or give them signs of my existence. I hear countless prayers each day regarding this subject, so I thought I’d open up my own blog and talk to everyone at once. I’ll answer some prayers and just post My Eternal Wisdom. It’s about time I caught up with you human’s technological revolution. I plan on popping down to earth from time to time in human form, visiting a Starbux and a library and posting on this blog.
For starters, I’d like to clear up a misconceptions from the get-go.
My one true form, which has been an argument for as long as I can remember, has been rumored to be White, Black, Male, Female, Asian, Middle-Eastern, Straight, Gay, you name it.
You’re all wrong.
In the beginning, I was actually a sexless Iguanodon. Scientists, as you remember, discovered a rather large dinosaur which stood about 16 feet tall and weighed close to 5 tons on earth. I weighed 150 tons. I stood more than 500-feet tall, but I originated in space which back then was a giant void without gravity…until I invented gravity, of course.
I floated in the void and it was fun. But I wanted something more solid to focus on. I created the solar system and thus earth. Then I created life in the form of herds of Iguanodons. Of course, with gravity, I had to make the earth-dwellers much smaller.
I’m A Rambling God
I could go on step by step, but typing all this out would take the rest of your lifetime, so I’ll just say that I wanted to create other life forms…works of art, if you will. So I experimented with other species of dinosaurs. Of course you’re probably wondering why I let this creation become extinct, but that wasn’t my plans, at first. See, things weren’t working the way I planned. I made these lesser creatures in my image. But more for my own entertainment, so they were created dumb. Not as dumb as your scientists think…prehistoric dinosaurs actually talked and built small cities. They had a government and politics. But the meat-eaters were racists and hated the herbivores. Thus began the descent of both species. Getting back to dumb…dumb is indeed funny, and I enjoy overseeing stupid beings, but the potential with dinosaurs just didn’t allow maximum stupidity.
Introducing You, Plaything of God
So I created humans.
I instilled into humans a higher level of awareness and intellect. These assets, on the other hand, achieved an overall level of dumbness.
Let’s talk about dumb…
Two words: Religious cults. Not only do I not care if humans worship me, I sure wouldn’t expect them to sacrifice themselves or to subscribe to any such radical logic of theism. That’s a perfect point on why humans are so entertaining…they overthink everything. They create bizarre ways of giving meaning to their existence, being created with a mind that can process their own imminent mortality.
The Meaning of Life
The meaning: There is none.
I created life as you know it for entertainment. But I also reward humans with the gift of existence and such joys as the sun and moon and all the majestic beauty like oceans, rivers, mountains and the sky. Of course, being so intellectually dumb, humans are slowly destroying most of these majestic beauties. You might relate this to actors on TV who are paid to entertain the public. Think of me as the public and you as part of a worldwide cast of actors. I do love reality TV.
It might sound cruel to create a race just to watch creation scurry around blindly, trying to find meaning, but ultimately on a one way track to their own demise. I only intended to stock the earth with the human race until it was good and full. I would then bring back a slightly revamped carnivorous version of the dinosaurs to a landscape full of meat treats.
Of course, that was before humans evolved before my own eyes and became hilariously more dumb each passing century. Sure, it is a paradox: humans have grown more intelligent and dumber. For instance: the brainpower put into the creation of the atomic bomb was the dumbest thing mankind could ever do. Smart because to create something so powerful and complex, but to evolve so far only to create something to devolve all of humanity is one of the dumbest things any animal could achieve. So hopefully you can see that when I say intellectually dumb, I’m not contradicting myself.
Now wars, sex, governments, the division of races, gangs, religions, inventions, technology, crime, suicide, politics, space travel…I’m totally enthralled with each of these as they are so fascinatingly dumb.
Wow, this entry has progressed and I’ve drank so much Starbux coffee that I’m ready to go for a stroll. Maybe go look for a vagrant and let my tail slip out between the legs of my human disguise. The look on people’s faces when that happens. Priceless.
A Side Note
Many of you are wondering why I chose to communicate now. I can only say that the skepticism harbored by the human race at this point of development is so prevalent that I know that most who read this will dismiss it entirely as fiction. And that’s just more amusement for me. Take for instance any given religious group…they think they know the word of God, (wherever the Bible, the Koran and every other so-called holy book came from, I wasn’t a part of that), but they wouldn’t know the real word of God if it hit them in the face.
I could descend from the heavens in the midst of every religious group in the world, wave my tail around and part the ocean and explain the true meaning of life and they wouldn’t gain an ounce of wisdom or faith. Religious wars would most likely break out between the various faith-based tribes and a denouncement of “the big lizard” as a tool of Satan used to lure them away from their belief.
See what I mean about intellectually dumb?
Now that’s entertainment.
I will answer a random prayer live on this blog. I’ll be back with more divine wisdom soon.
Oh God, please guide me. My life is out of control. People around me see me one way, but the hidden me I have not yet accepted. I feel like I’m hurting those around me and not being honest. I fear, most of all, that you will not approve of the man I have the urge to be. It is tearing me apart.
Please guide me. Tom C.
I can put your mind at ease. I created assholes not only for defecation, but for being penetrated, too. Don’t be ashamed of these urges, my child. Spread your cheeks not only to fulfill your desire, but also for the people around you…so that they may see the real you.
If you don’t and continue to hide your true self, I swear to Myself that I will untie your shoe on the red carpet. And when you bend over to tie it, I will send a lightning bolt from the heavens and strike you right in the anus. I will freeze the bolt, back it up a few inches, then plunge it in and out of you until you show the world the “true Tom.” I’ll not only do this for your own good, but also for the paparazzi (one particular paparazzo has been praying to me for awhile about getting an incriminating shot of you, so I can take care of two things at once.
And since you’re interested in becoming the real you, drop the Scientology crap. I just spent this entire blog explaining how dumb things are. Scientology is on a totally higher level of dumb.
So put your mind at ease, my child. Go free yourself.
P.S. Your last movie sucked and L. Ron Hubbard is in hell.
Patrick Kill is a happy nihilist who specializes in writing the most absurd, iconoclastic humorous dark fiction around. At 6’1’’, he is the tallest midget on earth. He is a competitive eater…of children. He prefers footie pajamas with someone else’s feet in them. He fishes for dead bodies in drainage ditches during the day and traps for yeti at night. He is the most ridiculous man in the world. His favorite saying is: “I don’t always eat humans, but when I do, it’s dos Mexicanos. Stay evil, my friends.”