This past weekend I woke up especially early, craving meat. Not beef, chicken, fish or pork, but that of the human variety. Never has this happened before. Usually I get cravings, especially for Mexican, like a nice burrito or chimichanga, but never for some guy named Jose.
I settled for a bologna sandwich this time, but the craving made me ponder the possibility of adding a new signature meat to my diet.
What would really be so awful if I took a big chunk out of someone’s leg or ass, throwing it in the smoker or on the grill and feasting? In the grand scheme of life, it really wouldn’t matter.
But morals, you argue? Morals are just made-up rules driven into the minds of the masses to herd them into a life less dangerous.
Disgusting, you think? We eat creatures that roll around in mud, live in their own filth and shit and we call it bacon. We devour dumb, fat creatures that graze in fields with flies and larva crawling in their every orifice, which belch and release gas to pass the time, and we call it a burger. Enjoy seafood? Chances are you’ve feasted off some beady-eyed creature sucking on fish feces at the bottom of some god-forbidden ocean. And then there are things we call hotdogs, which I have no fucking clue (and don’t want to know) what disgusting creatures those are even spawned from.
When you actually think about what we eat—truly think about the origins of meat—eating humans makes total sense. If I displayed a bloated pig behind curtain one and a really cute call girl behind curtain two, all decked out in glittery makeup, a nice perfume and shimmering body butter, I’ll take entree #2 without a second thought.
Sure I’d have sex with it first, but what a great combo that would be, extinguishing the impulse for sex and hunger all in one acquisition. And who doesn’t get ravenously hungry after an intense physical bout of copulation?
Sure, humans are disgusting creatures as well. But when cooked properly to around 170 degrees, this really is the finest of all the meats.
Of course, most religions agree that humans have souls. But I’m pretty sure that just because I eat a Christian or Muslim, they would still go to heaven (or eventually meet their allotted number of virgins in the afterlife).
Humans have emotions, hopes and dreams. Yes, but these creatures also pollute and destroy worlds due to their mass reproduction throughout our planet. Most are also hollow, broken, and meaningless beyond their own circle of family and friends. One point no one can contend is that if we just ate each other, the world would be a far better place. Mother Earth would thrive.
If you remain repulsed by this concept, it’s just the brain being wired and washed by society to think “rationally” or “morally.” But who can truly judge who is the more rational or moral side of thinking in this debate? Whoever you might claim is that person or deity, I’m sure they’d make for a delicious main dish!
If you’ve read this far, admit that there’s a few points that struck something meaningful and, shall I dare say, mind-altering? Perhaps an extension of a more sophisticated palate?
You’re getting hungry, aren’t you?
So go get yourself a snack. Something meaty and hardy, with plenty of protein. Think about it while you grind and tear away at the flesh. Would human jerky really be so bad?
The Solution To Human Pollution
“Hey, Bob, what you got cookin’ in that smoker?”
The Purge franchise was a great concept. One day a year murder is legalized to help control the population. What about a day called “The Feast” or “The Hunt” where everyone gets to legally bag one human for their freezer, grill or smoker?
Maybe not a popular idea particularly in the minds of overweight or obese individuals, but this might also make for a more healthy society with that type of pressure weighing on one’s frame and mind.
Too much? OK, then let’s scale it back a little. What about a more controlled concept of turning executions into barbecues? You think death row inmates dread lethal injection or the electric chair? What about death by bonfire? Wait till they’re naked and shackled to an open rotisserie outside the prison and people are lined up for miles to savor a Bundy-Burger or a Dahmer-Dog. Son of Sam-wiches, anyone? I can almost guarantee you that crime rates in the form of capital murders will decline.
Patrick Kill is a happy nihilist who specializes in writing the most absurd, iconoclastic humorous dark fiction around. At 6’1’’, he is the tallest midget on earth. He is a competitive eater…of children. He prefers footie pajamas with someone else’s feet in them. He fishes for dead bodies in drainage ditches during the day and traps for yeti at night. He is the most ridiculous man in the world. His favorite saying is: “I don’t always eat humans, but when I do, it’s dos Mexicanos. Stay evil, my friends.”